The Wrath of The Bottle

This, my friends, is not a story for the faint of heart. Proceed with caution, and prepare your souls.

About two weeks ago, I made a truly arduous trek to my parents' house to pick up some letters and victuals. As I was leaving, my mother offered me apple juice and soda, one bottle of each. I graciously accepted these gifts and drove to my home, allowing the drinks to lie in the back of my vehicle.

One week ago, I traveled to work, still with my beverages resting in the back, icing over in the frosty winter weather. I had packed a lunch for the day but upon arrival realized I had forgotten a small drink. The reasonable beverage to take from the car probably should've been the apple juice, but I felt adventurous. I, against all sense, grabbed the soda. It did cross my mind at the time that my choice might have been erroneous, but I was enamored, completely captivated even, by the promise of its sweet, sweet flavor.

The apple juice is a bit player in all of this,
but I thought I should mention it because it acted as a pseudo-stabilizer, so The Bottle of soda didn't roll around and ultimately freak out and fizz everywhere when I opened it (cuz I drove with them in my car and stuff).

Anyway, as you already know, I took the soda (which was a full 2 liters, by the way) to work as a drink with my lunch, a cold can of ravioli.

But I forgot that when soda thaws after being frozen, it reacts with such a vengeful rage that all who would dare challenge The Bottle get pounded with such a carbonation it forces the earth around it to quake.

And of course I had to tease it a little by opening the cap just slightly.

After I resigned myself to the fact that The Bottle was going to spew it's sugary lava everywhere, I decided to take the wise route and just let it fizz slightly with the cap mostly on. But after five or more minutes of this (and this, my friends, is by no means an exaggeration), I was really annoyed by the sound. I mean, c'mon, the incessant hissing is a freaking nuisance when you're actually trying to work. So, I screwed the cap back on to shut it up and found a pair of scissors.

And I hope you know where this is going, because I certainly didn't...

I stabbed that bottle, but the pressure was still at such a critical level that it didn't allow me to puncture the bottle's plastic. I tried again. No such luck. Multiple attempts later, and the bottle was COMPLETELY UNSCATHED. Well, with one final jab, rife with gusto, it broke through the plastic and sprayed the liquid in a glorious fountain EVERYWHERE. Fortunately, I had the foresight to place it in a trash can under one of my desks as I did this, but that didn't stop any of the matter from coating pretty much everything within a three-mile (or maybe only three-foot) radius.

Well anyway, it (eventually) tuckered itself out, and I now have a partially-empty 2-liter bottle of soda thawed and leaking in a trash can, soaking in its own vile liquid, under my desk.

And when I am thirsty, I drink from its wound, as an insult to its stubbornness.

And to prove my contempt to its entire being.

This is a warning to all soft drinks: don't ever screw with me, or you will die. It will be gruesome, I will be furious, and there is no chance I will ever lose.

This is also a warning to those who allow soda to be loose in their vehicle: don't. You're telling me you can secure it better than with an apple juice container? That you'll just duct tape it to the floor? Friend, please believe me, there is nothing you can do to avoid its wrath. The more you detain it, the angrier it gets, and the more catastrophic the result will be. How do you think earthquakes happen? If you buy soda and take it home, just let it roam in the trunk. Allow it to co-mingle with your other groceries if you must, but just make sure you don't let it know you are scared of it.

Together, I'm sure we can guard ourselves against this atrocity, but only if everyone cooperates. When you next buy soda, heed my warnings. We can beat this terrible fate together, we can escape the Wrath of The Bottle.