The Lamest Color Ever

Today may have been the single-most disillusioning period of my entire life.

I woke up after about six hours of sleep, which sucks, because I am a man who loves his sleep, and just about anything under 22 hours just isn't gonna cut it. So I was pretty tired for a lot of today, which may have played a part in my experience.

Sitting in class, I thought about some fun words I know, because I'm a pretty big nerd, and that's what I do. This in turn brought on a full-scale discussion about interesting word etymologies, still all in my head. I'm a puzzler, though, so why would I want to think about words I already know? I started pivoting my head, searching for new, fascinating words to ponder.

It was in that critical moment in which I spied a red poster on the wall. But it wasn't actually red. It was. . . crimson.

Some low budget TV shows feature a love-struck character fantasizing about their beloved walking on clouds, with a chorus in the background, because the object of their affection is just so. . . perfect. That's precisely what I was seeing and feeling as soon as the word “crimson” bore its way into the deepest parts of my brain.

Keep in mind, I was thinking about etymology, the origins of words, because English is a worthless conglomeration of every other language ever. It's similar to how people don't like sluts because they've gotten around. You'll see what I mean when you look in a dictionary and a single word can have roots from Latin to French to Old English to Gibberish to Spanglish to Americanese. That's just one word, and it's obviously been all over the place and smashed into so many different pieces that what you get is only a shell of what it once was.

But it's not always the case that words journey through so many languages before they finally crawl to the dungeon that is English. (Fun fact, and only because I just mentioned dungeons: "gaol" is an acceptable alternate spelling for "jail." So use that when you want to look like an idiot while secretly being smart. Seriously though, don't use it; I hate it.)

So went my thoughts with the word "crimson," which I ultimately decided was The Coolest Color in the History of Everything.

Many last names end in the prefix "son", meaning " 'blank's' son" (like, Jacobson obviously means "Jacob's son"). So I was thinking this color got its name from a guy named "Crim". But Crim clearly is not a name, right? However, Crim is very similar to the word "crime", so. . . could it be? Could the color crimson, a color similar to that of blood, mean "Crime's son"? Therefore, crimson is a figurative way of saying blood, which might be the "son" of crime.

BAM.

But not really. Me being me, I wanted verification of my incredible intelligence or whatever. As soon as my classes for the day were over, I flopped on my bed and got on the knowingest site ever: Wikipedia.

And that's when everything in my life became a dark blur, dotted with fits of crying and horrible, wailing tantrums. It turns out the origin of "crimson" has absolutely nothing to do with crime or blood or anything interesting whatsoever.

There's an insect, scientific name kermes vermilio, from which we make dyes. Wanna take a guess at what color this friggin bug makes? It's crimson. Surprising, I know.

 

                        naturenet.net                                  

It's just a dumb-looking ladybug!                                                         

 

In short, my mood transformed from a magnificent manic to solely sadness. One of the world's most boring insects enables us to have one of the coolest colors ever. Or, what was the coolest color ever. Now, because I was wrong and because its etymology is ludicrously insipid, I believe crimson is The Lamest Color in the History of Everything.