Abraham Lincoln, Master Duelist

The twenty-first century has brought with it the advent of many breakthroughs, but before your mind goes to the world of technology, I'm gonna remind you of all the social issues that have redefined society more than iPads and Internet memes. 
 

Homosexuality has gained ground in practically every facet; even Boy Scouting has “accepted” it (though that was mostly due to a need for sponsors' money.) Affirmative action pays for dozens of minority groups' education. Discrimination in general has deteriorated, and people are more accepting of minor differences, but all this isn't necessarily a good thing: people are such lily-livers now.

 

Let’s look back to the mid 1800s, a time where trouser-wearing townsmen were killed over petty feuds and breaches of honor. Those were some tough times, cuz you could legally be challenged to a duel just for glancing at the wrong petticoat. (Now the girl just handles the problem herself and slaps you when you ask for her number.)

 

Guess who you didn't know was in a duel around this time? Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, he totally was.

 

So here's a really quick background to help you understand how unbelievably outmatched any opponent would be against Lincoln:

 

1. He might have had Marfan's syndrome (or arachnodactyly), so he had a freakishly long reach, in addition to his significantly-larger-than-average height
2. He was an extremely skilled fighter and once beat up his county's toughest gang leader
3. Lincoln was fricken strong: he carried a box of rocks that weighed more than 1,000 pounds, every day, for fun

 

None of these facts were secrets at the time, but for whatever reason, James Shields didn't realize it would be the stupidest thing in all history to challenge Lincoln to a duel after Lincoln allegedly wrotesome mean letters about Shields. To help you imagine this, you can pretend that everyone who gossips about you on Facebook has to fight you in a winner-take-all death match.
 

For some contrast, I'm gonna outline who James Shields was:

 

1. His greatest ability was angering his constituents, which is a little different than Lincoln's log house-building skill
2. He had a quick temper, and obviously couldn't think clearly enough to understand the poor choice of demanding a duel of Lincoln
3. He was in a Brigadier General in the American Civil War (which sounds cool, but he sucked so bad at this he had to resign his commission, while Lincoln was commanding the country)

 

Since Lincoln was challenged by Shields, this meant Lincoln was allowed to choose the terms of the duel, such as location and weapon. Like anyone bent on definitively proving their seniority, Lincoln quickly decided broadswords would be a reasonable choice. 
 

At the site of the match, Lincoln snatched up his sword and proceeded to find the nearest tree he could. Casually displaying his absolute prowess over Shields, he swung the blade against a rather high limb, bifurcating it cleanly.

 

This simple act of pure testosterone and reckless indifference to human life prompted Shields to prove the color of his belly was, in fact, a bright yellow. As quickly as he could run in his soiled breeches, Shields fled Alton (the duel's site), while his friends apologized and negotiated a truce.

 

Shields inadvertently paved the way for an era dedicated to glorifying pansies and weaklings. Even more insulting than this, his hilarious lack of vertebrae was nothing more than a blip on Lincoln's radar, who only vaguely remembered the encounter years later. And that is the true reward of spinelessness, modern or otherwise.