Resolutions Are as Hard as Titles

2014 is roughly 11% over as I write this and almost half of Americans (that's 150 million people) made New Year's Resolutions. I don't know how these people chose the resolutions they did, but when the ball dropped, all of them stepped out to say, "Hey! I'm a bad person, but in <insert whatever year is starting> I'm gonna do <something awesome> and everyone will know I'm a hero!"

Well, most of you have chosen to lose weight. Or cure cancer, probably. Have you gotten a gym membership? Did you at least get your doctorate in human biology? I'd guess you did not. But if you're of the minority who chose to go above and beyond this year, to actually take a full 365 days to better yourself with the hopes of setting higher, greater goals next year, congratulations.

You might've chosen embarrassing things with which to better yourself. Whether they're actually embarrassing (like promising yourself to snag a lock of Justin Bieber's hair or some other dumb topical thing) or only what you perceive to be embarrassing (like talking to that girl who sits near you in that one class. You know, the one with the blonde hair who smiles whenever you look in her direction? Yeah, her), you've done something. And you'd better do it, because you promised yourself you would.

Well, not everything is cliché. Or embarrassing. I personally make a list in the new year of various things I want to do, and although last year I didn't make everything happen, I accomplished a good many things I otherwise wouldn't have. I'm not saying I'm some sort of saint because I completed these tasks, but I'm saying it's good I at least tried.

MY POINT with this is to tell you how I got to this blog...

People like attention, right? Why the heck wouldn't they? I'm not really any different in this respect, and last year one of my various goals was "make five friends in college". I made far greater than five friends, and I love all the people I've met. This year, in an effort to gain popularity, to gain some sort of satisfaction through pleasing people or making them laugh or whatever, I wanted to start a blog. So that's what I'm doing. You all get to endure this post with me, and hopefully you'll like it enough to come back occasionally and see all the other FANTASTIC things I'll have posted. (I say that like I have some idea of what I want to do, but let's face it, I'm gonna be scrambling like everyone else for things to write about.)

So where is this blog gonna go? If all goes as planned, it will be very serious, hopefully with heartwarming stories of cute animals doing brave things, of heroic soldiers' homecomings and if I can fit it in, origami instructions.

Actually, no. I like funny things. So I'm gonna make you laugh. Even if I have to come to your house, duct tape you to the wall, insert various tubes into your windpipe and force you to inhale nitrous freaking oxide, I will make you laugh at least once with this. And if you somehow don't, I'm sorry. I've tried. But that's not the only goal! I also want to teach everyone at least one thing with every post (stomach gurgles are called borborygmus), and I want to be somewhat informative while funny.

You see, I'm an autodidact. This is a smart-sounding word I learned at work that simply means "one who teaches him/herself". In saying this, not only do I seek out information, I like to share it with others, in such a way that is interesting and somewhat comical. I tell my friends (and so far I haven't been challenged on this) that in any one conversation they will have learned something from me. Even if it's something as simple as "duck's quacks, contrary to popular belief, do echo" or maybe something much deeper, much more philosophical, like "snakes, and certain other reptiles, actually, have two penises". (The second one often has a "why?" after it. Well, if you must know, and I'm telling you that you must, the first is to, uh..."open" the female, the second is to inseminate. And now you're a better person, because typically only herpetologists and random reptile nerds know that.)

Well, now...it seems like I've covered a lot here today. When this class next convenes, we'll talk about where babies come from and other stale topics, alright? Good luck to everyone who made resolutions, and shame to the quitters and the ones who never started. With the commencement of this blog, I hope we all stick with it for the remainder of the year, as I intend to. Ciao for now, all, and Happy New Year.