Why Buzzfeed Quizzes Suck

The Internet is a cesspool of horrible websites and porn.  (Can you believe over 80% of all sites are porn-related?)  But you can do millions of things aside from your daily hand-to-gland combat, like connecting with friends on dozens of social sites, arranging teleconferences with business associates from Uzbekistan and buying that zebra-striped jockstrap you've always wanted, and all in only twenty minutes. 

The Plight of the Bombyx Mori

I have a pretty cool scar of about four inches on the right side of my ribcage. It'd be kinda cool if I could say it was from surgery, like my own body was rebelling against my vast awesomeness and the organ in charge had to be removed from the other conspirators or something.
 

Obviously, I didn't get it because my organs recognize how magnificent I am. I got it because I'm freaking stupid.
  

The Lamest Color Ever

Today may have been the single-most disillusioning period of my entire life.

I woke up after about six hours of sleep, which sucks, because I am a man who loves his sleep, and just about anything under 22 hours just isn't gonna cut it. So I was pretty tired for a lot of today, which may have played a part in my experience.

Sitting in class, I thought about some fun words I know, because I'm a pretty big nerd, and that's what I do. This in turn brought on a full-scale discussion about interesting word etymologies, still all in my head. I'm a puzzler, though, so why would I want to think about words I already know? I started pivoting my head, searching for new, fascinating words to ponder.

It was in that critical moment in which I spied a red poster on the wall. But it wasn't actually red. It was. . . crimson.

My Ceramic Torture Chamber

"Hey man, is that your bae?

 

“Who you mean?”

“Dat gurl who's always in yo' room.”

“Oh, naw man, she ain't mah bae, we juss slammin all da time.”

“Oh. Coo'."

 

For those of you who are not familiar with black culture, the above conversation is a rough example of an English dialect called Ebonics. I'm proud to say I speak it, but I'm not proud of how I learned.

I live in the ghetto.

5 Things Every Public Bathroom Needs

I'm relatively certain all public bathrooms are the same:  they smell terrible, they're rather cramped and there's always that one homeless guy cleaning himself in the sink.  We all whine over the qualities that these bathrooms have, but not so much what they don't.  I think it's time to start.