As I said, from my perspective, there
is little worse than the sound of a blaring alarm clock in the
morning, aside from being mauled by a grizzly bear or something.
It's louder than a foghorn and the sound itself is more annoying than
the noises I imagine Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber's unholy offspring
would make. What's worse, they
(alarm clocks in general) are made of unbelievably flimsy materials
(I have broken three in the past year due to fits of morning
rage).
“How bad could it be?”
These problems aside, probably an
alarm's worst trait is its inhuman craving for attention. Its sound
is specifically designed to be heard, like it knows it's
more important than a euphoric slumber. An alarm clock's ego is only
heightened by the “wonderful” improvement of the snooze alarm.
Originally, it was a once-and-done deal for these inanimate jerks.
Now, the exhausted, lazy people of the world must suffer the
cacophony of a morning alarm multiple times, and it never fully sates
the beast, or else we wouldn't have to set it the next morning.
Heck, look at the Spanish word for
alarm clocks. It's “despertador.” Does that word look anything
like the phrase “alarm clock”? No, it looks more like
“desperate.” Like, “Oh, hey, I'm a machine DESPERATE for your
undivided attention. Give it to me. Now.”
I've
seen ads for “puzzle alarm clocks.” They're these things that
tick like a normal clock until the time you've set them for, but
instead of just ringing, the top also explodes into a 3D puzzle you
have to solve to turn off the alarm. Some even change daily, so you
can't just learn the puzzle and turn it off really quickly. Great
idea, right? Um, heck no. You'd better believe I
will never have one of
these monsters.
aliexpress.com
"Imma
ruin your life!”
Obviously,
I am not about to give in to these boorish sadists. On a normal day,
I set my alarm for a reasonable time, like 10am, so I can
occasionally beat the alarm clock in waking up and never even have to
listen to it. But most of the time, I fail in this goal.
But
it's actually sort of okay. For as much as I hate the typical alarm
clock, I've found a way to make it suck just a little less.
I won an iHome in a raffle thinger at my high school's
post-graduation celebration awhile ago. After trying to figure it
out for much longer than I should've had to, I found the alarm
function.
Of
course, I had to test it out right there. The built-in alarm was a
piercing shriek. Just what I'd have expected from such an attention
whore. But then you plug in your iPod, and – holy crap – it
plays your music!
So
what does a rational human do when they finally have the perfect
alarm clock? Wake up to ironic songs, of course. Case in point:
I'm on a Pink Floyd kick right now, so for all of last week, my
wake-up call was to “Comfortably Numb.” It's an eerie diddy that
begins “Hello. . . is there anybody in there?” To which I always
answer, “No, clock, now let me sleep.”
Even
better, I've recently discovered the wonder that is Quietdrive. “BodyOut of Bed” is a logical choice for any person's alarm. The lead
line of the chorus is heard: “I will never get this body out of
bed.” Of course I
won't. Thank you for reading my mind, alarm clock.
What
I'm trying to say is, now that I have the magic of musical alarms, I
don't have to suffer as much
when I'm waking. It's not the best solution, but until my Circadian
rhythm is so perfect I don't need an alarm, I guess I'll choose
listening to Quietdrive over Miley Bieber.
teenidols4you.com
“Oh,
right. . . it is that
bad.”
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